Honoring Missed Motherhood

The absence of a child or loss of a pregnancy is a void and, frequently, a profound loss experienced as a failure, a lack, a shame, something that needs to be fixed or hidden, even when it is a choice. For the most part, there is no frame, no structure, no rituals, no celebration, no acknowledgment, often even no words. It has no name, no category. The pain, loneliness and awkwardness can be unimaginable until it happens to you. What if "not children" isn't really that unusual? What if the vast majority of women have had, are having, or will have some experience of what we call missed motherhood in their lifetime, whether or not they ever have children?Based on available statistics, it appears that is the case-that as many as 75% of women in America have had or will have one or more experiences of missed motherhood at some time in their lives through miscarriage, adoption, abortion, infertility or the choice to be childfree. This is a stunning percentage! If this is true, the experience of missed motherhood appears to be as common an experience as being a mother. As a society, we need to name and include missed motherhood as part of the cultural norm, to bring it out into the open and offer effective steps for grieving and healing that go beyond what each woman can accomplish on her own. When we do this, each of us can move forward in life with passion and enthusiasm.