The Prescription is in the Dirt

Speaking the truth in love is not just powerful when it is towards others. It is even more impactful when it is used for self-reflection. Waiting on loved ones to grow, was wasting time I could be using to mature myself. I needed to start participating in the change that was happening in my life instead of reacting to it all the time. This meant releasing unrealistic expectations for people to live up to, and accepting them right where they are. Then, peacefully detaching myself from any future scenarios that did not respect my growth. For years I believed love meant suffering from someone unconditionally. Yes, love is long-suffering but it is also gentle. There should be no fear in love and it should not be a host for emotional and mental torment. But hurt people hurt people. This truth does not lose its value based on who is dishing out the offense. Whether a husband, mother, wife, or friend, it does not matter. This is why some people should be loved from across the street. I am thankful for the route I had to take to learn these life lessons. Trudging through discomfort and down-right tragedies helped me to find my identity. My pain exposed God's grace. My fears exposed His protection. And the rejection I encountered by those I loved the most, revealed his undying love for me. Our behavior is a reflection of our freedom, and I was bound for most of my life, waiting for someone to come and do for me what I was unwilling to do for myself. I absolutely loved the movie, Under the Tuscan Sun with Diane Lane. If you have never seen it, you should check it out. The Director shares a story of a heartbroken woman, (Diane) who is longing for love and family. She moves to Italy in search of a way to revive her depressing existence and wounds up creating a life she can be proud of in a serendipitous type of way, (Wells, 2003). Love and family are ultimately created through opening her heart up to colorful characters she learns she cannot live without. Similar to the main character in the movie, I wanted so badly to feel essential in someone's life; wanting to feel loved and to have a family. For years I sacrificed myself for intermittent moments of happiness. But I lost whatever joy I had in the process. I did not realize I was already essential to so many people. Specifically, in the eyes of my children. My greatest purpose for being alive and I did not see the true blessing in the role because my heart was fixed on experiencing significance in another way. Throughout the time I have been wrestling with self and how my uniqueness fits into whom God says I am. He has never stopped providing me signs of my true identity, but I was looking for a worldly response to a spiritual question. It took forty-five years for me to come to realize how much God loved me and all the blessings I had surrounding me. This book is a reflection of the journey it took to get there. It is my raw honest testimony and hopes it provides encouragement, where you are right now in your life.